New Joke thread

[Leftfielder]

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of University of Minnesota Duluth. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.



Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.



Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."



Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."



The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.



The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

[wayne b]

"New Joke Thread"? There's no such thing as a new joke, only old jokes recycled in various ways! Why shouldn't it just be "Joke Thread"?

[jbf]

I believe "new" is describing the thread, rather than the jokes.

[wineturtle]

Originally Posted by jbf

I believe "new" is describing the thread, rather than the jokes.

On LLDye back in `05 exjersey1 started Todays Joke From The Warehous Guys and for some reason after about a year it faded away to a back page so exjersey1 started the New Joke Thread in `06.
Leftfielder reprised it here on LLtt.net.
Wayne will argue we must title it
The Newer/Newest Joke Thread Containing Recycled Old Jokes or somesuch thing ....I do not care as long as we have an active joke thread to post on.
The title is inconsequential... but I`ll let you two duke it out if you want.
Or Leftfielder can delete the whole thing if the
"Battle For The Correct Title" debate overshadows the posting of jokes or
he could retitle the thread jbf vrs WayneB in the Battle of The Titles or we could ignore WayneB`s comment or we could ignore the whole title issue or we could all dance the Hucklebuck

+ YouTube Video

is that a Teresa Brewer version?

[Leftfielder]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you fool, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[wineturtle]

apathy bump

[wineturtle]

Originally Posted by wineturtle

... or we could all dance the Hucklebuck

http://wfmu.org/LCD/26/huck1.html- Hucklebuck-the rest of the story.

[jaygray]

Jane Curtain: And now with an editorial on the occasion, Emily Litella.

EL: "What's this I hear about in-bistro fertilization? Of all the places where people canoodle! Why do they have to do it in cafe's? Jane, they should just do that stuff at home! I me...an, we have enough problems with public drunkenness, littering and rudeness. When I go to a bistro, I want my latte and croisant, not Animal Planet."

JC: "Emily..."

EL: "And they awarded a Nobel Prize for that!"

JC: "Emily!"

EL: "Yes Jane"

JC: "It's veeetro, not bistro"

EL: "what's that?"

JC: "It's a little dish where they toss the salad"

EL: "Well. That's very different... Nevermind."

JC: "Stupid woman"

EL: "Bitch!"

[jbf]

When Mozart died, did he become a decomposer?

[wineturtle]

The Patch: Two LLers, WayneB and WiT were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, WiT, said "Lookey thar up ahead, WayneB, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, WiT," WayneB said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked WiT. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said WayneB. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said WayneB while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."